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the daily bang | movies that bang | music that bangs | torah that bangs | forwards that bang | kosher top 10 | apartments |x-change | home | |||
 Torah On-One-Foot
Super condensed versions of your favorite books of Tanach. The Quickest way to 'get your learn on'. (based on a concept by Movie a Minute) - warning: some of these maybe borderline heretical CLICK ON THE PARSHA OR SEFER YOU WANT TO LEARN:
To submit your own On-One-Foot send an email to submit@bangitout.com subject: torah on one foot. Help us finish every sefer out there! Bereishis by s. galena The world is created, and then Man sins God: Do-over. THE END --------------------------- Noach by s. galena Noach and animals board Ark Noach: Looks like it's gonna rain. Cow: mooo It rains. THE END alternate: Noach: I'm a tzaddik, but I'm no Avraham. Flood happens. THE END --------------------------- Lech Lecha by s. galena G-d: If you go, I'll make you a great nation. Deal? Abraham: Deal Circumcisions on the house. THE END Vayera by s. galena Avraham binds his son Isaac Angel: "Avraham, Avraham!"
THE END --------------------------- Chayai Sarah by i. galena SARAH: (frantic) HE SAID HE WAS GONNA DO WHAT??!!! Sarah dies.
THE END --------------------------- Toldos by s. galena Rebecca has twins; Jacob is Good, Esav is Bad. Yitzchak likes Esav eventhough we all know he is bad. If only Jacob was born first. Jacob: Lentl Soup for your birthright? Esav: Mmm Mmm good. Jacob puts on a makeshift Teenwolf costume and wins blessing. THE END alternative: Isaac gets married at age 40.The entire Upper West Side lets out a huge sigh of relief. THE END ---------------------------
THE END
Va'era by a. korn Moses: Let us go Pharoh: Nope PLAGUE begins Pharoh: Yup PLAGUE goes away Pharoh: Nope Repeat 10 times THE END
Bo by s. galena Tzipporah: But Moshe, the bread isn't ready! THE END ALTERNATE: Reader: Hey! what about the last 3 plagues? The Almighty: Read on. Had to keep some content for the sequel... $10 please. THE END
eshalach by s. galena Hashem to Jews: See my salvation, you will never see the Egyptians again! (Splits Sea) Jews see Hashem's salvation and never see the Egyptians again. THE END (credits roll to Az Yashir)
Yisro by a. korn Yisro: I came after hearing your G-d took you out of slavery Jews: Fair weather fan Yisro: I still have more single daughters Jews: yay! THE END
-------------------------- Man #1 knocks out Man #2's eye Man #2: Ouch! eye for an eye....pay up. Man #1's wallet: Ouch! THE END
Terumah by s. galena Moshe: Can I take your order? Hashem: I'll have a Golden Ark in a Tabernacle, with a large order of walls, 7 cups for the Menorah, wrap it in a paroches, and hold the idolatry. Oh, and can you put one of those copper Mizbayach's on the side? -- Moshe: To Stay or Go? Hashem: To Go.. THE END
-------------------------- Tezavehby s. galena
Aaron: What do I wear to a Kohen inauguration ceremony?
Hashem: Try this on Aaron spends rest of parsha thinking of how he will explain wearing a purple and turquoise robe to such a Yeshivish event. THE END
-------------------------- Ki Sisa by s. galena
Jews make The Golden Calf and everybody
sins
Moshe: "I got some good news and some bad news: The bad news is... I'm breaking the luchos. The good news is...I just saved a half a shekel on my car insurance" THE END
Jews: Do we have gold for the
Mishkan?
Betzalel: check
Jews: what about silver?
Betzalel: check. Jews: Who do we make the checks out to? THE END
Kohen while holding knife: OK, we're gonna slaughter this cow.
Bamidbar by j. efram taub G-D: Hoshea...et...amecha...u'varech...et...nachlatecha...
--------------------------- Balosecha by j. efram taub
ASAFSUF: WE WANT MEAT!!! WE WANT MEAT!!!
G-D: You've got...meat.
ASAFSUF: YAY!!!
CHOMP ASAFSUF: Oy!!! PLUNK
THE END
Korach by j. efram taub
KORACH VÁDATO: Power to the people!! Power to the people!! Power to the
PI--
PI HAÁRETZ opens up.
KORACH VÁDATO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PI HAÁRETZ: burp...
Power to the Pi.
THE END
Balak by j. efram taub
BILAAM: Can I curse them? Can I curse them? Can I curse them?
G-D: Sure...try it...
BILAAM: (Ahem)---Mah Tovu Ohalecha...
BALAK: Why I oughta...
G-D: (snicker)
THE END
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Pinchas skews Cusbi and Zimri. --------------------------- Mattos by s. galena
Rueven/Gad/.5 Menashe: Let's move to the suburbs
--------------------------- Maasei by s. galena Jews: Are we there yet? THE END --------------------------- Vaeschanan by s. galena News Reporters: "Moshe, Moshe, you just took the Jews out of Egypt, received the entire Torah, survived 40 years in the desert, what are you going to do next?" Moshe: "I'm going to the HolyLand!" reporters sigh empathetically Moshe: Guys? Did you hear me? (shema) Yehoshua enters the locker room, reporters and cameramen turn the lights from the veteran to the rookie... THE END --------------------------- Eikev by s. galena The Fundamentals of Computer Programming: IF (condition) THEN (statements) [Elseif (condition X) Then (statements X)] [Else] (else statements) THE END --------------------------- Shoftim by s. galena Judge: Justice I shall pursue. Defendant: Do you take bribes? Judge: NO. I am creditable. Defendant: Visa or Mastercard? THE END --------------------------- Ki Teizei by s. galena Soldier goes to war and takes woman, wakes up "the month after" Man: Who are you? Woman: Sinead O'Connor. Man: Where is our damn son? Woman: Getting stoned. THE END --------------------------- by s. galena Moshe: I am about to die Jews: You are?
Moshe: yes.
----------- --------------------------- The Book of KOHELET by e. fass
King Solomon: I'm so confused ... or am I? Yes I am. --------------------------- The Book of ESTHER by i. galena Haman: Kill all the Jews! King Achashverosh: Kill all the Jews! Queen Esther shows some leg King Achashverosh: Save all the Jews! Haman Dies
THE END ---------------------------ICHAH by s. galena Jews crying:
Why have you forsaken us? Jews: I heard that.
THE END --------------------------- The Book of JOB by a. dworken
Job: This just sucks.
--------------------------- The Book of Jonah by s. galena Jonah Runs away
Whale: Gulp Whale: Burp THE END --------------------------- Metzia by i. galena SHIMON: Thats my talis! LEVI: No it isnt! SHIMON: Yes it is! (200 pages of rabbinic debate) LEVI: Fine, take the talis, I never wanted it anyway. THE END
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